Trojan Man

Trojan Man!

It was Monday morning in Mr. Flower's English class.  The students were not paying attention, as usual.  James & Molly were making out.  Edward was buried in a book.  Mavis was drawing.  Diesel was throwing things at the ceiling.

Mr. Flower: Class, I have an announcement.  Class?

Nobody even looked up.

Mr. Flower: Do I have to get Coach Joey in here?

Everyone sat up and looked at their hippie teacher.

Mr. Flower: We have a new student in our class.  I'd like you to welcome Trojan.

Trojan appeared in the doorway.  Everyone started laughing their butts off.

James: *laughing* That's a good one.  Seriously, what's his real name?

Trojan: That IS my real name.

Everyone laughed even harder.

Henry: Holy crap!  He's named after a condom!

Gordon: Look everyone, it's a talking condom!

HGJ: TROJAN MAN!!!

Everyone kept laughing and laughing until the bell rang.

The next class didn't go any better.

Mr. James: Good morning, young man.  You must be new.  Welcome to Sodor High.  What is your name?

Diesel: His name's TROJAN!

The students laugh hysterically.

Mr. James: That's enough!  Do I have to get Coach Joey in here?

Duck: That's what Flower Power said.

Oliver: Of course a hippie would stick up for a CONDOM!

The class started laughing again.

Donald: Hippie condoms!

Douglas:  For all your "flowering" needs!

Donald and Douglas hi-fived each other, and everyone kept laughing at Trojan's expense.  This went on for the rest of the day.

The next day wasn't any better.  Trojan was standing next to his locker and talking to a cute girl in the hall.

Trojan: What's your name?

Dolly: My name's Dolly.  What's yours?

Trojan: Umm…

Then several students poked their heads out from behind some lockers.

Diesel:  What's wrong, Trojan Man?  You forget your name already?

HGJ: TROJAN MAN!

Duck: Trojan, the Condom King!

Oliver: Condoms for all!

Trojan ignored them and opened his locker. Suddenly, a bunch of condoms and condom balloons fell out all over the floor.  Dolly turned up her nose and walked away.

Trojan: Which one of you did this?

Donald: It wasn't us.

Douglas: You probably did it yourself!

Diesel: After all, you are…

Whole Group: TROJAN MAN!

Then they started chucking condom water balloons at Trojan and laughed. Trojan was super angry.

Trojan: THAT'S IT!!!!!! I'M DROPPING OUT!!

Fatty had just come out of his office to see a very soggy Trojan storm out the door. He face turned red and he went back into his office.

Fatty over intercom: Student assembly in the Gym, now!!!!

Soon all the students were in the gym. And Fatty was yelling.

Fatty: WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!!  Can't you little buttweeds go one day without harassing someone?

Diesel: But he's named after…

Fatty: SHUT UP!!!  Everyone who stuffed Trojan's locker with condoms and threw condom water balloons at him get 2 weeks of detention, except Diesel!  *points to Diesel* You get a month!

HGJ & DDDO: 2 WEEKS??!!

Diesel: A MONTH??!!

Fatty: Wanna go for the rest of the school year?

Then they shut up.  

Fatty: Now, we're all going to sit here and watch a video about feelings.

Coach Joey turned off the lights, and Mr. Flower appeared on a screen on the back wall.

Mr. Flower: Hello.  I'm Mr. Flower.  Today, we're going to talk about feelings…

Half the students were grumbling, and the other half were already asleep.  Thomas decided to talk to Fatty.

Thomas: Sir, is it okay if I go over to Trojan's house and try to convince him not to drop out?

Fatty: Sure, since you're one of the only ones here who doesn't drive me completely insane.

Percy, Toby and Edward spoke up.

Percy: Can we come with too?

Toby: This video is boring.

Edward: Also I know what it's like to be made fun of on a daily basis.

Fatty: Very well.

Mavis and Diesel tried to sneak out too but got caught by Coach Joey.

Coach Joey: Where do you little turds think you're going?

Diesel: This video sucks.

Mavis: Yeah. I want to go on the roof and throw things down at traffic below!

Coach Joey: Sit down and shut up! If I have you watch this crap, so do you!

Meanwhile, Thomas and his group are walking down the street to Trojan's house.

Toby: So where did Fatty say Trojan lived?

Thomas: On the Corner of 4th and Clover.

They arrived at the intersection.  One of the houses had a Greek flag painted on the roof, lawn gnomes that looked like Greek gods, a Zeus fountain, and a gazebo that looked like a chariot.

Percy: So which house is his?

Edward: You're joking, right?

Thomas: I'm afraid not.  

So the 4 went up to the door, and Thomas rang the doorbell, which sounded like Greek trumpets at an amphitheatre.  A weird, middle-aged man answered the door.  He was wearing a toga and had leaves on his head.

Trojan's dad: Yes?

Percy: Hello, Mrs. Trojan's mom!

Toby elbowed Percy in the gut.

Toby: That's his dad, you dork.

Percy: Then why is he wearing a dress?

Trojan's dad: It's not a dress, you silly boy.  It's a toga.

Percy: My mom has one just like it that she wears when she goes on dates once a year.

Trojan's dad was getting angry.  Thomas saw this was getting nowhere.

Thomas: Sir, we're here to see Trojan.  He was very upset when he left school today, and we're worried he might drop out.

Trojan's dad opened the door and yelled.

Trojan's dad: Trojan, get down here!

Trojan: Who is it?

Trojan's dad: Some idiot boy & his friends.

Trojan: If they have condom balloons, tell them to go play in traffic and DIE!

Thomas: We don't have any condoms, so could you please come down?

Moments later, Trojan arrived at the front door.

Trojan: What do you want?

Trojan's dad: Trojan, what's this I hear about you dropping out?  No son of mine is quitting school.

Trojan: Well, it's all your fault!  If you hadn't given me such a stupid name, I wouldn't have morons calling me "Trojan Man" and throwing condoms at me all day.

Trojan's dad: Trojan is a proud family name!

Percy: Says the freaky guy in a dress.

Thomas, Toby, and Edward smile.

Trojan's dad: I don't have time to debate this.  You're going back to school, and that's final!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my wine taster's club.

Trojan's dad got into a car that looked like a chariot and left.

Trojan: So why are you really here?

Thomas: We came over to talk you out of dropping out.

Edward: Dude, I know what it's like to be made fun of. Most of the school calls me a nerd and a dork on a daily basis.

Toby: And I get called "Redneck Scarecrow".

Thomas: And during our Freshman Year, we got tortured by a guy named D10.

Trojan: I've heard of that guy. Didn't he blow up a China shop and beat an old man to death so he wouldn't testify?

Thomas: That's a long story.

Trojan: Well, mine is different. Toby, you choose to wear cowboy hats and boots. Edward, you choose to be smart and like books. But I have no control of my name.

Edward: If you don't like your name, why don't you change it?

Trojan: I've tried that like 100 times but my dad says no. "Trojan is a proud family name and I want you to be a loser with no friends!"

Thomas: Then how about we give you a different name?

Trojan: Okay. How about Thomas?

Thomas: That's my name.

Toby: How about Timmy?

Thomas: Trey?

Percy: Tinkerbell? *gets smacked upside the head.*

Edward: How about Troy?

Trojan: Not bad. And it almost sounds similar to Trojan. But what's my dad gonna say?

Then Trojan's Grandpa pulled up in the driveway. He had heard what had happened.

Trojan's Grandpa: If you want to change your name, that's fine with me. If your dad objects, he'll have to answer to me.

Troy: Thanks Grandpa.

Troy's Grandpa: Where is your dad anyway?

Percy: Probably at Victoria's Secret.

Troy's Grandpa started laughing.

Troy's Grandpa: You know, if it weren't for me, he would have worn a toga the day he married my daughter. But I put a stop to that.

Troy: Thanks Grandpa. You've saved me several nightmares.

Next day, Troy came to school in a different outfit. Some of the students who were mean to him were quiet because they didn't want to get in trouble again.

Random Girl: Hi. What's your name?

Troy: My name…. is Troy. *smiles.*

*The End*